by Johnathan Irwin
reviewed on PC
JF: Absolutely. And it just gets worse. There's a boss battle against a pair of gay men who are obviously meant to parody Siegfried and Roy. They yell things like “Glittertastic!” and “Taste my rainbow!” as they swoop around you like fairies. Their biggest attack is when they come together and proclaim “Feel our love!” and evil hearts pop out and kill you, making their love for each other into something deadly. Rather than being funny, it comes across as homophobic, dated, and offensive. Making matters worse, the battle is incredibly annoying for melee characters, who can't reach the flying fairy-men and must wait. Want to die so that you can respawn as the mage? Well, even that takes forever since the bosses' attacks rarely hit you. I don't think it should be that hard to die quickly during a boss battle.
As if that wasn't enough, immediately after this boss fight, there's a disorienting slug ride as your characters try to escape from an Indiana Jones-esque rolling boulder. The screen moved so fast it made my eyes hurt! It was dizzying and awkwardly executed.
JI: Oddly enough, I would have to say that that boulder chase was the one part of the game I actually enjoyed. The one part where the clunkiness of it brought back a charm reminescent of the version of Battletoads on the SNES. Oh the horror of that game, but it did have that charm. It was the one point where the mounts felt useful in the game.
JF: Oh God, the mounts. The utterly useless mounts.
JI: Even if you manage to get on one, they're only good for a few seconds before shoddy hit detection knocks you off and they more than likely run away.
JF: Some of the kobolds you fight ride slugs that you can knock them off of and commandeer, and the mage can summon a giant chicken mount. But yeah, you get knocked off of them after a single hit, which (given how frequently and quickly you get mobbed) is usually just as you get on top of them. And after you're knocked off, they run away. Also, the mounts don't exactly do extra damage or anything, so even if you manage to stay on one it isn't even much of a bonus.
The enemies are also frustratingly repetitive. Over and over again we fight more Kobolds. We do get to battle some (admittedly funny) Bro Orcs too, which helped, but it perplexed me when we just ended up fighting more Kobolds again after.
JI: Just before a certain boss, were the Bro Orcs inhaling from bongs before attacking the player? It was hard to tell. The Bro Orcs could've been much more bro-ish, at most they felt like the poser-bros from days past. You know, the ones who so desperately want to for some reason ascend (or descend) to the level of a bro, but just come off as socially inept.
JF: The characters in general are just cliches, and it doesn't feel like the developers really loved any of them. None of the characters are likable. That would be okay if they weren't constantly halting the gameplay with annoying, unskippable cutscenes. I don't need a game like this to have an intelligent script, but it gets annoying when it keeps throwing its stupidity into my face, trying to be funny and failing miserably. It's like that kid in class who makes a poop joke and then goes, "Hey! Come on! It's a poop joke! You like poop jokes don't you? Why don't you like poop jokes?"
JI: I'm going to be entirely honest. I think this may be the worst game I've ever played, and I've played some bad games in my day. This is coming from a guy who doesn't jump on the hate and love bandwagons either. I've loved games people have hated because I found them fun, and hated games that people have loved because I found them just the opposite. But this game all around is like being given a meal of expired food and being expected to eat it. I know there will be some people who will enjoy the game, and I understand that. Some people eat food shortly after the expiration date too. But when you get sick with buyers remorse, don't say I didn't try to warn you. What about you Jonathan? Worst game you've ever played?
JF: Oh, I've played far worse. I think with 3 players--especially in the same room together playing via gamepad--it would be more fun. However, I can't justify giving this game more than a 4 at most. The developers should have at LEAST made sure that the game's online multiplayer worked before they released it, given that this is one of the main selling points of the title!
JI: I guess in this instance you're far more forgiving than I am. I would rate it a solid 2. Speaking again of the inability for us to actually play together, how about that temporary work around they gave people apparently not working as well? As if that wasn't another kick in the face.
JF: Personally, I think 1-3 should be reserved for games that simply do not function. This one is generally functional—occasionally buggy, yes, but I was usually able to play. The experience just wasn't positive. Let's meet in the middle and give it a 3.
JI: Well considering we rate a bit differently and on a scale of overall fun scores (which yes, a game that is completely broken would definitely bring the game down to a 1-3 scale) I think a 3 is justified to come down to between us.
JF: Agreed. Bottom line people: it's no good. We're very sad to say it, because we always want to support indie game developers. But when you don't even live up to the promised features on your steam page, it doesn't give a good impression.
JI: I just hope that if anything, they learn something from this and come back with an amazing product with their next outing. I'm never one to kick someone when they're down, instead I want them to get back up and show us what they can really do.
JF: Absolutely! The best of luck to them. If they learn from the mistakes of this title and make sure their next game really shines, it will make us very happy. Especially since we'll probably have to review it!
Beat 'em up gameplay hits a few nostalgic buttons
Awful hit detection, awful voice acting, awful comedy, and the multiplayer doesn't even work