by Ryan Cope
previewed on X360
That’s Not A Knife, This Is A Knife
While playing as the Postal Dude and going about tasks in whatever polite or ruthless way you see fit, you’ll be overwhelmed by a number of different enemies gunning for your blood. Mike says you will be “beset by such antagonists as Hoboes, Hockey Moms, AIDs infected lab monkeys and Ecotologists (A zesty blend of PETA and Scientology), the Dude is sorely tempted to murder the fuck out of everyone he meets.” So in order to defend yourself or go on an effective rampage, you’re going to need the most high-tech weapons available. Yeah right, you won’t see any P90s with thermal scopes, UAV recon, precision air-strikes or tactical nukes in this game. You will however, find some of the most outrageously funny weapons you have ever seen. Of course you are able to wield some of the common arms expected of shooter games, such as a pistol, assault rifle and rocket launcher, but it is the unconventional weaponry that you’ll really want to get your hands on.
To start, there is a vacuum cleaner backpack that makes you feel like you are a ghostbuster. You can use it for mundane tasks such as cleaning up jizzy tissues from a porn shop’s floor, or sucking up a number of different objects that can then be launched at innocent people passing by. The tissues for example can be thrown away or blasted into the face of an un-expecting pensioner. Next up we have the “badgersaw”, an interesting spin on the chainsaw, but with a brutal and wild badger locked up in a harness for you to wield. Get in close and point it at your victim and it will start clawing and biting like a crack addict after seeing some kid drop a pot of sherbet. Blood will splatter, body parts will fly. It will be beautiful and you will love it, or you will throw up, but just remember it’s not real.
You can also use petrol to cover the poor saps that get in your way, then light a match and watch them heat up as they run around in panic. There is also a pet monkey that you can direct with a laser pen, pointing it at enemies to attack or objects to retrieve. This one looks like it will be the most interesting since there should be many possibilities to experiment with. You will also have a boomerang machete and can shove grenades up a cat’s arse in order to use them as guided grenade cats. Sound fun? Sure does! For those of you that will take the moral high ground, there are also non-lethal weapons like tazers, shovels, blunt force and other melee weapons.
Your Package Is On Its Way
So if you have been excited about Postal III for a long time or you have only just heard about it, you are still going to have a bit of a wait until it arrives. Hopefully the wait will be worth it and considering how it seems to be shaping up, fans of the series won’t be disappointed. With moral choices, fanatic adversaries, unbelievably entertaining weapons, dark humour and enough controversy to keep the press occupied for years to come, Postal III looks like it’s going to be one of the funniest games that will eventually hit the market. And as Mike himself describes it: “It’s super fun, doesn’t take itself too seriously, doesn’t include five hours of tutorial ‘missions’ or 100 hours of tedious, game-interrupting cinematics, has more than two play mechanics, and if you don’t buy it, we WILL release the photos of that time when you molested the family dog and thought nobody was looking.”