Video Game Olympics 2012
Feature
Everyone is gearing up for the London Olympics, but little do they know that the video game world is holding their own games!
Archery
Link has to be a favourite at this event, just from his sheer experience, he has been around since 1987 after all. It all depends on which equipment the competitors are allowed to use though - would Link be as handy as Marcus Fenix with a Torque Bow for instance? One miss with that thing and he’d be looking at an instant disqualification and a serious prison sentence. Legolas could make an appearance of course, but it’s likely that he’ll be busy at the Literary Olympics.
100m Sprint
There can only be one victor here, surely? Even though accounts of his actual speed vary greatly from anywhere between peak human speed all the way up to light speed, we can all agree that Sonic is pretty damn pacey. If there’s the possibility that he could reach the finish line before the sound of the starter’s gun does, he’s got to be the winner.
High Jump
Our old friend Mario has been breaking the laws of physics since 1981 with his double jump. It seems unfair that he’ll be going up against people who have the unfortunate mysterious attraction to the ground known as gravity, but no one has questioned it during the last thirty years, so why would they now? It’s also odd that anyone who can fly is banned from this event, while Mario is allowed to compete, perhaps there’s a little Nintendo favouritism surrounding the games?
Long Jump
It would be tempting to put Mario here as well, but The Scout from Team Fortress has the combination of speed and agility which will allow him to get a good sprint down the track, and then double jump into the sand. The sand will also be helpful if he has to stop drop and roll if The Pyro has been nearby. The Scout hates that guy.
Beach Volleyball
It might not be “Xtreme Beach Volleyball” but this is about as close as you can get, so those Dead or Alive girls will likely be challenging as a team for the gold at this event. Although they may be thrown off by new rulings allowing players to wear shorts rather than bikinis. Since the number of girls exceeds the maximum number of competitors allowed, hopefully no fights will break out between them for spots on the team.
Boxing
Although his fighting style in the Smash Bros games takes the form of various martial arts, if Captain Falcon from F-Zero lands just a single Falcon Punch on his opponent then he’ll be down for the count, or knocked completely out of the ring. Making sure he has enough time to charge it up will be the trickiest part of this event for him.
Equestrian
Red Dead Redemption is one of the few video games which has horse riding that doesn’t feel, well, bad. John Marston is the protagonist of that game, and will certainly be at the forefront of this event at the Olympics. Admittedly he’s more used to getting the best speed out of his equine friend rather than leading it over jumps, but he’s a pretty adaptable guy - I’m sure he’ll manage.