Now that we have established that your parents actually had zero impact on the person you are today, let’s review some of the more recent lessons video games have taught us, shall we?
9. I Wouldn’t Want To Be A Princess
Sadly, some of you have aspirations of being princesses. Stop it. It’s not worth the headache. You’re just going to end up getting kidnapped or getting lost or some other stupid stuff where we manly men/women have to rescue your dumbasses. It really isn’t very fair at all actually. Video games, since the dawn of existence, have pitted the hero on a journey to save the love interest who just so happens to be a princess. Aren’t princesses supposed to have household guards or something? Why is it so easy for Bowser to kidnap Peach so easily? Maybe he really is smarter than he looks, or maybe Mario really doesn’t give a damn what happens to his ‘soul mate’? How come Link is always risking his neck for Zelda when all she does is go off and get lost or kidnapped all the time? Why, guys, why? All I know is that, here in the real world, being a princess isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I would never wish ill on any one especially a royal figure, but Kate Middleton (now married to Britain’s Prince William) had better watch out for giant spiked turtle-looking creatures descending from the skies or guys named Ganon or Ganondorf. I wouldn’t want Prince Harry to have to kill someone. For all you little girls out there, aspire to be models and actresses and fairies and such but not a princess, anything but a princess. Cut us dudes some slack.
8. Say ‘Good-Bye, Earth’ It’s Inevitable We’re Going To Be Invaded By A Crazy Alien Race
Forget December 21, 2012. Forget the Mayans. The world’s not going to end on some crazy calendar prediction. No sir. We’re absolutely going to be invaded by a terrifying alien race from a distant galaxy looking to harvest either our bodies for food purposes or our natural resources. This would eventually make Earth a barren wasteland of nothing-ness, or so video games would have us believe. It’s one of those age-old mantra’s; have video game – must make world end with alien invasion. The Halo and Mass Effect franchises... hell, if you give them time the Call of Duty franchise is heading this way – they all have that whole ‘the world is ending let’s band together and whoop some little green guy ass” thing going for them. Let’s not kid ourselves, who’s not going to emulate Commander Shepard or Master Chief once that city-sized space craft (you all saw Independence Day) enters Earth’s atmosphere. “Don’t shoot at the spacecraft” my ass. You know what would really be a kick in the balls is if Earth was invaded by an incredibly cute alien race of kittens. Like life-sized kittens. You know we’re screwed if kittens start landing on Earth, people fall in love with them, memes are created, and then the world ends. Suckers. Never trust a feline. If video games have taught me one thing concerning alien invading species it’s that no matter what, I’ll still be able to have sex with my shipmates. Game. Set. Match. Your move, aliens.