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Last night I did something I haven't done in quite some time, I played split screen multiplayer. At one point in time this was a regular occurrence for me but as my friends and I have gotten older it happens less and less frequently. There is something that is special about having your friends in a room as you pass around controllers from one to the other, something that you just don't get when you play with your friends online.


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Unreal "unofficially" the Offical Engine of Natal

Unreal 'unofficially' the Offical Engine of Natal
In a recent interview with The Official XBOX Magazine UK, vice president of Epic Games, Mark Rein, expressed that the Unreal Engine was the unofficial engine of Microsoft's motion control device Natal.

Microsoft has a new studio that is making games for Natal, and it's using Unreal Engine 3. The great part of all this is that it has extended the engine to do the mapping of Avatars, the animation system - all the good stuff that's there.

So the nice thing is, we are going to work with Microsoft to make that available to Unreal Engine licensees who want to make Natal games. So, if you want to make a game on Natal, you want to get a big headstart and use the same tech as Microsoft, come talk to me. We are the unofficial engine of Natal, or maybe the official, I don't know. In other words, we consider ourselves the "economic engine of Natal". You want to make money with Natal, come talk to us, we'll help you.


Despite being an obvious partner in the Natal device, Epic Games is not abandoning the more traditional game control mechanisms as recently stated by Epic Games design director Cliff Bleszinski. He made note that Epic would certainly experiment with the device but that future games would probably still be made with the classic interface intact.

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ODST Drops a Lot of Cash Into Microsoft's Lap

ODST Drops a Lot of Cash Into Microsoft's Lap
To the surprise of no one, Halo 3: ODST has made Microsoft quite a bit of money over the two weeks since its release. More than $125 million in sales to be exact. USA Today is reporting that roughly 2.5 million copies of the latest Halo game have made their way into the hands of fans eager to take on the latest adventure in the series. The game has received fairly good review scores, including here at Hooked Gamers, and joins Halo Wars, which was released earlier this year, as another notch on Microsoft's belt.

As said earlier though, Halo 3: ODST selling like lemonade on a hot day is really not much of a surprise, however the USA Today article does give a little information on Bungie's next title Halo: Reach.

Another game, Halo: Reach is in production by Bungie and due next year. "It's a prequel to Halo 1," says Frank O'Connor, creative director for 343 Industries, a division of Microsoft that handles all things Halo.

A first-person shooter with an additional multiplayer mode, Halo: Reach "is a chronological prequel but it is not a prequel in the directions the Star Wars prequels were to the (original) movies," says O'Connor, a co-writer on 2007's Halo 3. says. "It will cover events in and around the planet Reach," where the invading Covenant first attacked humankind in the Halo story line.


While O'Connor's information may not exactly be shocking revelations for longtime fans of the Halo series, it is nice to get some solid details (however minuscule they may be) on the project, which is supposedly Bungie's last go round with the series.

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When can you say you've beaten a multiplayer game?

Growing up, beating a game was a big deal. Completing Super Mario Bros., Castlevania or Metal Gear was like a badge of honor and you wanted everyone to know. Games have changed since then but somewhere in the back of my head I still keep a small running tally of what is going on. Halo, Gears, Call of Duty, Killzone 2, Resistance, etc... all have something in common, they are great multiplayer shooters that have a single player component. You can easily say I beat (or finished) Halo 3 because there is a campaign that you can play through but what about games like Shadowrun, Team Fortress 2 or the recently released Battlefield 1943?

I am currently having a blast traversing the Pacific theater, taking over strategic points, killing people with my trusty SMG and crashing into trees whenever I try to fly a plane but the game got me thinking, how does one beat a game like Battlefield 1943? Can you claim superiority over the title once you max out your rank, reach prestige, achieve some other arbitrary factor or is it something else entirely? For that matter is it even possible to claim you've beaten a multiplayer game?

With no endgame the lines of understanding are not only blurred but completely invisible. Where and when can one actually claim they beat a multiplayer game or has gaming moved past such tangible badges of honor?

And can you ever really beat WoW? (outside of quitting the addiction that is)

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Seventh Game Beaten of '09: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas

I'm not going to lie. I have not been a fan of the Tom Clancy line of video games. I've played my fair share of them but I have never felt the need or desire to finish one out. The closest I had ever come to finishing one before was the original Ghost Recon on the PC. I made it through about eight mission in that game before hitting a brick wall. It basically comes down to my desire to feel like a super-hero badass that absorbs bullets like The Terminator as opposed to well... a regular soldier.

When I got my XBOX 360, Gears of War was launching and that was my obvious first choice of game but I have this compulsion to always have more of things, so I began looking for other "good" games and stumbled across Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas. By all accounts it seemed like Vegas was more of a game than previous entries into the series, what with the regenerating health and all, so I decided to give it a shot and well let's just say that I got through the first two levels and hit a wall on the third level and quickly determined that Vegas, while drastically improved over previous entries (at least for my type of gaming) it was still to heavily reliant on some of the standard Rainbow Six (and general Tom Clancy series of games) conventions and in turn just not for me.

So how does that bring us to 2009? Well some friends of mine began playing Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 (some of my friends are a little slow the gaming party) and had been pestering me to pick up the title to play with them. I casually explained that I didn't much enjoy the original Vegas and based on the reviews Vegas 2 didn't seem to be any different. Somehow they convinced me to give the original title another shot and well here we are now.

Have you ever been so frustrated with a game that you just shut it off instead of trying to push through the trouble spot and when you come back to that spot a day or two later you easily beat it? Well let's just say that I put the game down for two years and when I returned I found it much easier. So how does the title hold up two years later?

To be short, quite good although still not exactly in my wheelhouse.

Surprisingly even after over two years on the market, the game still looks quite good. The environment are all quite nicely detailed and the character models fit perfectly into the game world. The action effects are all nicely handled and firefights look spectacular. There are some graphical glitches though, vehicles look quite a bit like blocks and character faces are unrealistic, looking like wax statues that have come to life. All in all the graphics are nothing to sneeze at and they've held up quite well over time.

What holds up better though is the gunplay. If Tom Clancy games can be credited with anything it is authenticity to tactics. If you outfit your character with a sniper rifle, you aren't going to work your way through a train yard with your team the same way as if you have an assault rifle or a shotgun. The game forces you to think out your tactics beforehand because generally the game will punish you for playing it like a standard first person shooter. That's not to say that the game is not accessible to FPS players, there is just a small learning curve that players will have to go through to learn how to best utilize their team. Once you get past that that the game will generally feel at home to first person shooter fans.

The story itself is quite engaging. A terrorist takes over Vegas and you have a personal stake in taking her down because your previous team was captured by her. It certainly is not anything to write home about but it is enough to continuously push the game forward without seeming like just a bunch of random levels strewn together. The game does have a rough ending though, setting it up for Vegas 2 quite cheaply with no real conclusion to the story. If anything I would probably play Vegas w just to see what happens next.

My biggest problem with the game stems from the trial and error nature of the game. It is something that dates back to the earliest Tom Clancy games and has infected each one I've played. Despite giving you a multitude of options to approach a situation, in these games there is generally only one way to actually succeed. Rainbow Six: Vegas does this a bit better (by being a bit more forgiving) than some older Tom Clancy games but it is still there and it still annoys me.

Gamers who enjoy a more realistic approach to shooters will probably find a lot to like here. For me personally it's not my cup of tea but I probably will give Vegas 2 a try at some point, providing I can find it cheap.

3 out of 5


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Sixth Game Beaten of '09: Devil May Cry 4

If you had asked me at the beginning of this generation which Capcom series I was most excited to see upgraded, I undoubtedly would have said Devil May Cry. Despite being a huge fan of the Resident Evil mythos, the gameplay of Devil May Cry has always grabbed my attention more. While are their core both games are quite similar (exploring 3D environments, solving insane and illogical puzzles, experience over-the-top narratives), something about the uber-stylized fast paced gameplay of Devil May Cry was just more appealing to me. And of course there is Dante, who just oozes cool.

So it should come as no surprise that I anxiously waited for the release of Devil May Cry 4. I'm lucky enough to have a choice in consoles and I ended up getting the game on the Playstation 3. I did however give the XBOX 360 version a spin upon release as well and found it to have some graphical issues, including some serious screen tearing, that I was not seeing in the PS3 version. Regardless, I played the game on the PS3, ultimately giving the game an 8 in my review here, despite some issues I had with the game.

All that brings us to 2009, over a year after the release of DMC4. Looking for games to snag some cheap (as in cost wise) achievement points on my 360, I realized my friend still had his copy of of the game and I decided to give the game a second chance on the console and returned home to one of my favorite series in gaming. Capcom has issued a patch for the title on the system and while it does improve the graphical snares I had experienced with the game previously it did nothing to improve my main issue with the game, that being Nero.

To be fair, removing Nero would make no sense in the context of this game, after all Nero is the star of Devil May Cry 4. Let me repeat that. Nero is the star of Devil May Cry 4. I have a fundamental problem with Nero being the star of a game in Dante's series. If this game was called Devil May Cry Anything But 4, I would be OK with it because it would be a spin-off of the main game but it IS called Devil May Cry 4 and Dante should be the star. No offense to Nero, who has an interesting gameplay mechanic, but when I play Devil May Cry I want to play as Dante. I want to play as the cool, wise cracking devil hunter. I do not want to play as a whiny kid with a glowing arm who wishes he was a quarter as cool as Dante.

But I digress, while I may feel I may have overrated the game when I played it last year at release, in the end I found the game to be flawed but fun, much like its predecessors. However unlike its predecessors I don't see myself returning to it again and again.

3 out of 5

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It Seems God (or Someone) Does Not Want Me To Play Resident Evil 5

Resident Evil 5 has been sitting in shrink wrap on my shelf for the past three weeks now and I finally had plans to crack it open and begin the campaign in co-op with a friend and then my 360 died. I was beginning to think that TNA Impact was a terribly glitchy game that had a major freezing issue and was going to come on here and write a post about how awful of a game it is but it turns out that while TNA Impact is an awful game, filled with bugs and poor design choices, my 360 was actually coughing up blood (probably from having to digest TNA Impact in the first place).

Upon seeing the three red lights I immediately filed a repair order with XBOX.com and then immediately began to think that a red XBOX 360 would be nice. I ultimately decided that my head was better off on my shoulders and that my wife would kill me if I ordered another 360, let alone a $400 one, when my console was still under warranty. I had justifications (like being able to play Peggle and watch Netflix in bed once my Elite was returned from the repair shop) but I don't think she would have bought into that anyway.

For those counting this will be my third system that has died. My original died in December of 2007 after my longest consecutive day gaming streak up to that point (73 days) and then the repaired console was D.O.A. so I ended up buying an Elite so I would have it for Christmas. This one died after an insane 142 day gaming streak, which will continue thanks to Games for Windows and Dawn of War II, I hope to get it back in a couple weeks though as this puts a huge damper on my attempt to reach 50K Gamerscore.

Luckily I am blessed with all the consoles and a kick ass gaming computer so I will still be playing pretty much all the time and I will finally kick into Dawn of War II and break the seal on Killzone 2 as well but damn I already miss my 360.

It's like losing a puppy, only worse.

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Fifth Game Beaten of '09: Brothers in Arms: Hell's Highway

A lot of people are tired of the World War II setting but I just can't seem to get enough of it. After consuming the above average and quite fun Call of Duty: World at War I was still itching for some classic warfare and Brothers in Arms: Hell's Highway was there to scratch my itch and it did a good job too.

The Brothers in Arms series has a long and storied history, none of which I know because Hell's Highway is my first foray into the series lore. That said I was drawn into the characters. The game really has a strong focus on its storytelling and developer Gearbox does a great job at giving the characters a real solid feel. I felt for these guys. I felt the betrayal. I felt the sadness. And I felt the pain and loss. Despite the great storytelling that Hell's Highway has, if it were not for the solid gameplay it would not work as a game.

At first glance Hell's Highway is just a standard World War II first person shooter, ala Call of Duty or Medal of Honor but after a quick intro into the general control of the game it introduces the player to a simple yet game changing squad based tactical strategy element. In most missions you will be given a team of different squads that you can command on the battlefield. This strategic element goes against the norm of you playing Captain America, the man who single handedly destroyed Nazi Germany. It adds a lot to the gameplay and forces players to think a little differently about how to approach their enemies.

Cover fire and flanking are two strategies that gamers will have to quickly understand if they plan on making it very far in the campaign. Not using cover fire or finding a way to flank your enemy will generally result in you becoming just another battlefield corpse. I found it best to have my squads lay down covering fire while I advanced and to a positions where I could get clear head shots on the enemies.

While most of the game will require you to tactically advance on your opponents, the game does mix things up a bit with a few lone-wolf missions and vehicle sequences which, for the most part, are very well done. While Gearbox could have made the mistake of making you an invincible killing machine in these sequences they did not, wisely choosing to instead force players to play smartly, use cover and pick their shots. Only once did I think they were over-reaching their bounds and thankfully that level was fairly short.

There are some problems with the game though. The controls are slightly wonky on the 360 and while the tactical commands to work on the 360 controller it is quite obvious that this title would probably feel more comfortable being played with a mouse and keyboard. I also ran into a few instances where the triggering to advance the game wasn't set off because I didn't do something the way the computer had expected me too and so I was left to wander around the farmlands of the Netherlands with only a reset button to get the game to comply. However these are ultimately little problems that did little to detract from my overall experience with the game.

Brothers In Arms: Hell's Highway is a very well crafted pseudo-squad based, strategic first person shooter that does far more right than it does wrong and if you can still draw some satisfaction out of a World War II shooter then you should definitely give it a shot.

4 out of 5

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Third Game Beaten of 2009: Rocketman: Axis of Evil

Third Game Beaten of 2009: Rocketman: Axis of Evil
When I first heard about "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" I had pretty high hopes, after all I grew up on top down shooters like "Ikari Warriors" so this looked to be right up my nostalgic wheelhouse. Unfortunately "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" has more than its fair share of problems, most notably the lack of fun I had playing it.

As I said "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" is a top down shooter, but unlike "Ikari Warriors" it is a dual stick shooter. My experience with dual stick shooters is mostly with games like "Geometry Wars" or "Super Stardust HD", games where you are faced with unbelievable odds yet through the users maneuvering, targeting and powerups, coupled with the speed of the ship those odds were more approachable. "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" still has you facing unbelievable odds but the rest of the gameplay mechanics of a twin stick shooter are tragically missing.

That's not to say that the game does not have power ups because it does, and a good selection of them as well. Sadly though the power-ups are so powerful that the game goes from being insanely difficult to being a cake walk. This is all balanced out by putting a timer on the power-ups unfortunately the timer is so short that you end up over-extending your position in an effort to kill as many enemies with your powered up weapon. This will often result in cheap deaths from enemies off screen once your weapon has powered down. I am sure there are some players who have mastered the game that will tell me that there is a fine strategy involved in weapon use and map progression but I don't have time to master a mediocre game and honestly I don't care.

Unlike most dual stick shooters I have played, "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" has a detailed, if not entirely well-told story to give your slaughter of little green men purpose. The story is told through a series of anime cutscenes. I don't want to speak ill of the story but I stopped caring around level 3 and started skipping through the scenes, considering that I generally love stories in games that isn't exactly a glowing endorsement.

There was one piece of the game I enjoyed though and that was the character customization mode. By killing enemies you pick up differently shaped gold pendants and earn experience points which all works as currency in the game that can be spent at the end of each level to upgrade your character in a variety of ways. Be it armor, personal statistics, weapon stats or even stock for your arsenal of gadgets, "Rocketman" lets you upgrade your character anyway you want. Sadly upgrading your character has no real discernible effect on your in game character's appearance but I do so love to spend points on stuff.

Truthfully if you are looking for a dual stick shooter that is based off of an obscure constructable strategy game, then "Rocketman: Axis of Evil" may very well be for you. However if you are just looking for a dual stick shooter, I recommend "Geometry Wars" on the 360 and "Super Stardust HD" on the PS3, they are both far better games than "Rocketman" ever even had hopes of being.

2 out of 5*

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Second Game Beaten of '09: Too Human

Second Game Beaten of '09: Too Human
Almost nine years ago Blizzard dropped "Diablo II" on the gaming community and it quickly became one of the most successful games ever. The game was very well polished, told a great story and for people who love to collect stuff dropped tons of loot much like its predecessor. To this day I still play "Diablo II" and like a junkie chasing the dragon I love to try out new loot drop RPGs in the off chance that it will be as addictive as "Diablo II". "Too Human" could have been this game but unfortunately for me and for developer Silicon Knights, who spent roughly ten years developing it, it is not.

If you were to tell me that you were going to take "Diablo II", "Devil May Cry", Norse mythology, cyber punk and mix them together I would have told you I was on board because damn the idea that forms in my head look awesome. While "Too Human" does have all these ingredients, it sadly doesn't come together very well. The strongest point of the game is its story and there are some twists and turns that will do much to keep gamers interested in the game because outside of that, the game is a mess. "Too Human" takes place in a futuristic world where you are cast as Baldur, a son of Odin, with the purpose of protecting the humans from the ever growing machine presence. Baldur can enter cyberspace, which is much nicer looking than the real world, and by doing certain things there he can alter the real world. Can anyone say "The Matrix"?

There are five classes, Berserker, Champion, Defender, Commando and Bio-Engineer, to choose from and while they claim to be very different they all play fairly similarly due to the gameplay. The only one I found that works particularly well was the Champion, mostly because of his balanced stats. Speaking of the gameplay, it is in an identity crisis, asking players to use an unintuitive system that mixes the simplistic single button attack control of "Diablo" with a more complex console action game controls. Ultimately the game does succeeds at making the game easy to play for everyone but the problem falls in the fact that the design choice to mix these two styles of control doesn't suit either beginner or veteran gamers and both gamers will die quite a bit, regardless of class choice, because of it.

Fortunately the game does not punish you too harshly for dying except for the fact that when your character dies you are forced to watch an un-skippable 30 second death (or depending upon how you want to look at it, rebirth) scene. If you were one of those gamers that couldn't stand the summon animations in the Playstation era Final Fantasy games then you may want to steer clear of "Too Human". Being as I finished the game in about 12 hours I have to wonder how much shorter the game would have been if I didn't have to watch that death scene every time I died.

In between Baldur dying, the game plays out in four different, yet similar, combat areas and a central hub world. It certainly says something when the most interesting location in the game is the hub world. The level design of the action levels is actually pretty boring and being as each level takes, at minimum, a couple hours to complete this is a major drawback. The best thing I can say about the levels is that they each have a different color scheme. Of course the boring level design would be more forgivable if there was more than four or five different looking enemy types, which as you can imagine when coupled with the boring levels can make for some boring gameplay.

I don't want to crap all over this game though because, outside of the story, it does do something well and that is loot. If "Too Human" has anything it has loot and lots of it. Enemies will drop so much stuff that later in the game you will be hopping to your inventory to clear out older items so you can get more stuff. Changing Baldur's armor will change his appearance on screen, so unless you don't mind that your character is dressed like Rainbow Brite you are going to be tempted to go loot hunting to get matching pieces. Unfortunately for me, a self admitted loot whore, I couldn't get past the tedious combat against the same four or five enemies in the same four boring worlds.

I believe "Too Human" to be a love it or hate it affair. Despite having enjoyed the story and it ending on a rather large cliffhanger, I honestly do not believe that I would play a sequel. I think Silicon Knights would be much better off going and making that oft-requested Eternal Darkness sequel instead of trying to advance "Too Human" any further.

2 out of 5*

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First Game Beaten of '09: Dash of Destruction

First Game Beaten of '09: Dash of Destruction
There is a saying, "Free is for me". There is also a saying, "You get what you pay for". So with that in mind "Dash of Destruction" was certainly going to be a game I downloaded, after all you don't pass up free games even if you are swimming in money Scrooge McDuck style but it was also a game I didn't expect a lot out of, after all I downloaded the Yaris title and well we all know how that pile of poo turned out.

For those that might have been living under a rock for the last two months, "Dash of Destruction" is the free game that came from the winning design of the 2007 "Doritos: Unlock Your XBOX" promotion. The game. Obviously, by the title of the contest, the game is Doritos branded. Uh-oh, another sign that this game is going to be utter garbage, right? After all when was the last good corporate branded game?

It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that my expectations for "Dash of Destruction" were insanely low. I'm happy to report that the game not only exceeded those expectations but exceeded them by a large margin. That's not to say that "Dash of Destruction" is a great game, let's not be crazy, but it is a fun, if somewhat quick, journey back to when you played games in an arcade, you know the days when you could still pay a quarter to get a credit on a machine.

Anyone who was around during the 1980s and early 1990s, can appreciate "Dash of Destruction" for what it is, that being an arcade game with a simple premise that is fun to play. For everyone else there is 200 free Gamerscore points to be had, 190 of which will probably take you about 30 minutes to get.

By now you are probably asking what the hell the game is about, so let's get to it. "Dash of Destruction" is a mix of a top down arcade racer and the classic title "Rampage". There are two modes of play, both of which are relatively similar. In the T-Rex mode, players are tasked with traversing a city map (of which there are six total) and eating a set number of Doritos delivery trucks. Reversing the roles in Truck mode, players are tasked with traversing a city map (the same set from the T-Rex mode) and making a set number of deliveries while avoiding the Doritos starved T-Rex. Each mode gets progressively harder by adding more obstacles, like an additional T-Rex or driver to compete with.

The game isn't particularly hard. Both modes can be completed quite easily in about 30 minutes total. For achievement junkies, this will net you 190 points, with the additional 10 points coming from the multiplayer mode, which unfortunately I was unable to try out, do to the lack of players. Completionists can probably get those final 10 points by bribing a friend with a small bag of Doritos.

"Dash of Destruction" is not going to win any best of awards, unless of course there are awards for best free game or easiest game to snag achievements in but the game has it where it counts. It's fun and sometimes, in this day of deeper and more mature gaming, that is all that a game needs to be.

Four our of Five *

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Lost Odyssey: Worst Packaging Ever?

Lost Odyssey: Worst Packaging Ever?
I picked up my copy of the new Mistwalker RPG, Lost Odyssey, for the XBOX 360. I was quite surprised that for a game that claims to be four discs it came in a standard XBOX 360 case / DVD case. I was even more surprised when I opened it that yes, Lost Odyssey is four discs long and they jammed all discs into the case. Three on the one spindle and the fourth shoved in a paper envelope slotted in with the manual. Not only was it shoved in there but the disc was cracked in half. I'll be going back to get a fourth disc that isn't snapped in half later today. Anyone else encounter this problem?

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An Open Letter to Kevin McCullough

Over the past two days, a conservative columnist for a website called Townhall.com has gone on a misguided rampage over the sexual content in the XBOX 360 game Mass Effect. You may remember that we named Mass Effect our 2007 XBOX Game of the Year . Mr. McCullough felt the sex scenes in Mass Effect were bordering on the line of smut, actually that is being nice because he basically calls for them to be sold in an adult store, away from civilized people.

I read his articles (you can too by following the links from Penny Arcade) and his weak attempt at an apology and felt the need to respond so I composed a letter, which basically became a dissection, and sent it to him. The letter was quite wordy and a bit long and while the content is entirely relevant for Hooked Gamers I felt it really didn't fit the blog format and so I posted it over at my site 2 Guys Opinions, so you can read the letter here.

Sorry for the shameless self promotion.

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What's That Smell?

What's That Smell?
There is a very famous scene in the film "The Godfather" where the movie producer, Jack Woltz, wakes up to find the severed head of his prize horse in his bed with him. That's kind of how I feel like Jack Woltz right now.

A couple weeks ago my 360 contracted the dreaded Red Ring of Death and Microsoft kindly sent a coffin out for me to bury him in. The autopsy revealed that there was no reviving my old friend and Microsoft sent me a replacement system (along with a free month of XBOX Live). I pulled the replacement system out of the box and plugged it in. Three Red Lights.

I couldn't believe it, and actually I still can't believe it. The replacement system was dead on arrival. Microsoft sent me a corpse.

I called protocol droid over at 1-800-4-MY-XBOX and told the shiny tin can that I needed to speak to a real person and so I was transferred halfway around the world to India, home of the world's tech support. I could hardly understand the nice guy on the other end of the line outside of his constant apologizing. I actually felt bad for the guy, he seemed like he was afraid I might be able to will myself through my telephone and bite his ear off at any given moment. I understand why, I am sure I am not the first to get a DOA system back from the repair facility and this poor sap has nothing to do with the quality control of that department.

He played 20 questions with me and then decided to have me test and retest the system, all to no avail since the thing was truly dead like I told him. Anyway Microsoft is going to send me a second coffin and I am going to send back this lovely dead body they sent me, it's starting to stink up my house.

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Dear Microsoft,

Dear Microsoft,
Yesterday I lost a dear friend. It happened swiftly and unexpectedly. I had just sat down to have a nice chat with him and it happened. He just keeled over. Instinct took over and I started CPR. When that didn't work, I got out the paddles but after numerous attempts at reviving my fallen friend he was pronounced dead at 10:09 AM.

I called 1-800-4-MY-XBOX and was greeted by the automated help desk. I was so distraught I forgot his name. I do know that one of his first jobs was programming binary load lifters and he had the emotion of a walking golden trash bucket. After asking me what was wrong and telling me to try to revive my fallen friend (something I had already done), he transferred me to the assistant funeral director.

I think his name was Brad but it could have been anything. Brad wanted to know why I had called. I told him about my friends unfortunate demise and he said he needed to take down some information, name, address, friend's serial number, etc.... I gave him the info and he seemingly just hung up. After saying hello into the phone about 10 times Brad comes back on and tells me to hold on while he enters my data in the system. When Brad gets back he says that they will be sending me out a coffin, er.... I mean a shipping box from UPS, and that it will arrive in the next 3-5 business days.

He tells me that in the coffin I will want to place only the console, no hard drive or cables and here is where it gets weird. I ask him about a disc my friend still has in his possession. He tells me I will need to get it out of him. I ask him how being as he is dead. He tells me it isn't his problem and I will need to get it out of him or I am going to lose it. I ask him about if there was a manual release he told me he didn't know of any such thing but I would have to get the disc out somehow. He thanked me for calling and hung up.

At first I thought of prying the drive open but I quickly abandoned that thought as having some experience installing disc drives into computers I know that just about every one has a manual release, Microsoft couldn't be that stupid to have installed a drive without the small manual pinhole release socket, right? Right. There is a manual release and after scrounging around for something small enough to fit in the hole I ended up using one of my daughter's bobby pins, you know like the ones chicks pick locks with in the movies, and that popped it open.

In anycase, Christmas is coming and I request you send me my revitalized system back so that my daughter can play the game she is getting for it on Christmas day, so that I can show off Rock Band to friends and family over the impending holiday and so that I can get back to doing what I do best, spending time with my friend the 360. Until then I am going to have to play my PS3 and Wii, and you don't really want me doing that do you? I mean I may just create a soft spot for them in my heart and that could really cut into your bottom line.

Just saying.

-Chris

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Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 2

The Eggman Strikes Back